Explosions OR I should've done air guitar

I had a very weird dream...


First off, the bathroom at Denny's was really, really, really, really awesome. So awesome, I felt bad using the toilets for what they were built for. But they were super awesome!




Anyway, secondly, one staff member in my school's newspaper went on a rampage and a car made a small explosion and a poor kid got hurt. Only one arm was hurt, though! Though my dream made it look very graphic... -.-''


I woke up when I was calling 911 and trying to figure out where I was. 
I woke up, my heart was pounding, and I was cursing myself for still being sucky with addresses. 


And I must have been really jumpy cuz of that dream cuz when my grandmother came out of my bro's room (did I mention that they're here? Cuz I don't remember.) I screamed (as in literally screamed, and with the facial expression of a kid on a rollercoaster) and fell to the floor and nearly cried.


*Sigh*


I think I may have had that dream because that day, I'd read this.
If you're going into surgery soon, don't read it. Please.


_____


A few days ago, I remembered how in 6th grade, an acting troupe came to our school and put on The Frog Prince.


They came once a year, and well-behaved kids would be chosen from the upper grades to help with props or play minor roles, and I was usually just a set-up person, but that year, a friend and I were chosen to play minor roles.


We were guards and were in the scene where the frog confronts the king about the princess's promise. Our lines consisted of saying, once they affirmed what was promised (A kiss. A kiss? A kiss. A kiss.), "Ew! Gross!"


And then the frog would start singing and the guards had to dance.
I don't remember what I did (apparently, I looked like an idiot), but now I know what I should have done.


I should have used the pole thingy I was holding... and done air guitar. Aah, to think it'd only come to me now.

Withdrawal, art markers and Civility

I must be reaaaally going through withdrawal from lack of manga. We went to Barnes and Noble yesterday, and they had volumes 5-9 of Nightmare Inspector and I reaaally wanted to buy them, but my mother still wouldn't let me...
She said if I get straight A's this semester, she'd let me buy one...
But we all know that ain't happening.
I just checked, and it hasn't happened.
Aah, I almost feel like crying.
Anyway, that reminder of how much of a failure I am, and the fact that I'd been so close to manga in soo long, I got really, really depressed... 
But then we went to Michael's and I got about $70 of art supplies!


But it still sucks I got such a lousy grade for French.
I wanna cry.....
__________________________




Oh, I finally found the book Maurice by E.M. Forster. I've been hesitant to order it online cuz... well, I just don't do it often, and I feel better having the physical book in my hand from the second I purchase it.


It was in one volume with two other books, A Room with a View and Howard's End. I'm reading the other two first, and I'm really liking them. I've yet to read that other book by him I have, The Longest Journey. I really liked the beginning part, where the main character's arguing someone about the existence or nonexistence of a cow.\




. . . .. .. . . ...... . .. . . . ..... ..........    . . . .    .. . 




Anyway, I decided I wanted to buy copic markers because I wanted to try them out, but they were, like, six bucks each, so I went and got a 24 pack of Prismacolor art markers. With a coupon, they were about $50. 


They are amazing! 
But they stink.
And there's no good color for skin, which makes me really sad.
In the back of one of my volumes of Switch, the artist said she used copic markers to color the covers, and now I think I know why their skin is so... orange.


But the markers are really nice and I really like them.


BTW, you don't have to read the reaaally long part below this. I just felt like ranting, I'd feel better if you didn't read it.




/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/


Yesterday, I was talking to my friends on Google Wave, and I did something really bold.
After refuting one's claim of being my best friend with a "I don't consider my best friend," she got really angry and called me a liar. I countered that with a "Why do you always refuse to believe me when I'm honest about these things?" but she claimed that whole sentence was a lie. Because she doesn't always refuse to listen to reason (which she does) and she does believe me when I tell her these things (which she doesn't) and what I said wasn't honest (which it was.)


Of course, after feeling slight irritation and a growing headache, I declared, "I can't deal with such unreasonable people. I think I'll just leave now." And I left.


Before that, I had asked, "May I leave?" because, a) I really wanted to leave and b) I wanted to see what their reactions would be if I were to be honest about wanting to leave. 


As you can expect, their reaction was less than pleasant. And somehow, it got into that argument about whether I have a best friend or not (*sigh*) and I knew I'd never be able to win, because logic works never works even when the other side claims to be cool-headed and intelligent, and so I just left.


My other friend, who refuses to step in whenever I get into an argument with the first friend, tried to talk to me on Google chat, but I just ignored it. She also put a YouTube link there, but I didn't feel like clicking it.


Is it really so bad to be straightforward with "friends"? Contrary to what would be expected, it seems to be better to be less honest the closer you are to someone. Whenever I start talking to my friends (these two are really the only ones I talk to online, since my other friends don't seem to be online when I am), it always turns to something very unpleasant, and I seem to be the person who always gets the worst of the blows. I knew it would blow up into something really troublesome, so I just wanted to leave until it reached that point. I'm no good at social graces, even worse when it comes to friends. 


Friend A (the unreasonable one) says her best friends are Friend B (the silent one who never tries to help me) and me. Is it so bad I don't consider her my best friend? Is that really such a sin? I thought we were supposed to be encouraged to say what we really think, but I'm really just so naive to think that;d even work with friends. 


Should I just be kinder to people? It's difficult and troublesome to be kind or unkind, so I try to stay frank and neutral no matter what. But I'm starting to wonder if that's an even worse atrocity than being mean to people. I don't think I'm even that mean anymore. It's cooled down to this jaded, melancholy straightforwardness than I find hard to read. But who knows, maybe other people find me easier to read than I do.


But the thing that bothers me most is that Friend A expects me to keep up with her form of logic while she refuses to accept mine. 


But I guess that's to be expected. 

I got a new laptop

It's a MacBook Pro. 
"For professionals. Not high schoolers like you," as my father put it.
All I could respond with was, "I'm sorry?" 


I've been doing that a lot lately, the "I'm sorry?" as if I guess I'm sorry might be the correct answer, but I'm not sure, and I don't want to end up sounding like an idiot, but I do anyway because it ends up being a question.


Anyway, moving all my crap was a pain, but I really, really, really like my new computer.
It's so clean and shiny~
But it's heavy.
But it's so shiny~~~~


My grandparents came on Friday. I asked for the Ookiku Furikabutte manga from them, and I was just expecting maybe the first two or three volumes, but they went and got me 14.
Not that I'm complaining, of course. 


Last night, I played Go against my grandfather. My dad said he's probably in the top 1% of amateurs... but I won! Mostly because he helped me through the whole game... but I won! 
And then I played Godori with my bro and grandmother, and I kept losing. Pwah.


But my computer is so shiny~~


Please excuse me while I take this all in. 

It's amazing how many posts I started writing, forgot about and ended up never publishing or deleting. 


I got very little done this weekend. It's very saddening. On Friday, I thought, "I'll do all my homework today and tomorrow. And I won't have to rush through it next week!" 


But it never happened.
I need to stop procrastinating.
It's very saddening.












Yesterday, my dad go a set of Chinese chess and Go. The board is for Go on one side and for  Chinese chess on the other.


I can't even play western chess so imagine how well I did with the eastern one. 


You have five soldiers, and he can move one space forward or to either side. There are two cannons and they can move anywhere as long as they're jumping over something, but they can't jump over or take another cannon. There are two horses, they go one space straight and one diagonal, two elephants that can go one straight and two diagonal. Two 'cars' and they can go straight any number of rows. There are two knights, and they can move anywhere within a little area of four squares called the "castle" where the king is. They can all move one space within that "castle." 


I really, really suck with the game.


Go is kinda complicated, but I'm better at it than Chinese chess. It's very sad. I can actually beat my bro at it. It was very exciting. But he kept flipping out when I took one of his stones.


*sigh*




And I still have homework to do.


Aah, weekend, where did you go? 

I'm Depressed, Smileys, and something else I forgot about and probably won't ever remember

I've been very depressed lately. I don't know why. Maybe cuz Thanksgiving break was so boring and melancholy, but it still sucks that I have to go back to school. (It sucked, by the way.) 


And maybe it's cuz I haven't been watching any anime or reading any manga lately.
Maybe I should just try to find something to associate with being content and just do that every day so that I don't start cutting myself. *sigh*


I won't bother saying anything to anyone about it, though. Last school year, I'd say "I'm depressed..." every two days. I'm not even joking. So if I say something now, they'd think, "Hmm. Same old, same old, I see" or "Oh, wow, she's back to normal." 


_____________


I've realized I have completely stopped my use of ^.^
I used to use it all the time, but now.... Now when I chat with friends, my smileys are just the boring (: and my sad faces are ): or maybe with a hat, ):>


I guess it's something really minor and inane, but I'd always use ^.^ 
And then I stopped. And I just realized that yesterday. The other smileys I adopted because my friends would always use them. It makes me kinda sad, though, 'cause I adopted one thing only to lose another.


______


We cleaned the apartment over break. All cuz my grandparents are coming soon. And I'm expected to keep my room clean for the whole two months they're staying. 


It's impossible. Hopefully, I'll figured something out... I doubt I will, but I can hope--!!


____________________


I just remembered what it was that I forgot.
It took me a very long time to realize it.
Actually, the thought first planted its seed into my mind a few weeks ago, but it didn't become a real thought until recently.
But I think the people on staff at my school's magazine don't like each other...
I mean, there are small groups of friends, but outside of that...


I first felt this vaguely when I heard two of the editors talking about one of the other staff members behind her back. Now that I think about it, they all talk about each other behind each others' backs... I mean, I couldn't quite say I thought they were all happy-we're-all-friends-here, but I thought they all at least got along.... Soon, I wondered what they thought of me...


I know some staff members certainly don't dislike me. The ones who nicknamed me "God." They're all very religious, so they wouldn't call someone they don't like "God." Right? At least, I hope so. Cuz then it's an insult to both God and me (but more importantly, the latter). But that's a very small part of the staff. I don't know why I suddenly cared about what they thought of me, so I kind of let that thought drop. And then, I realized, these people don't like each other very much. 


There's not much animosity, I dare say, but I can't say there is no animosity, and I know some people just.... detest each other. 


I mean, I don't really hate any of them. Unless someone reaaally rubs me the wrong way, I'm fairly passive in my opinions of people. 


And now I wonder why I thought they all got along in the first place. Sure, they'll work together as a staff and put out a magazine each issue, but these people just do not like each other. And that just makes it that much more stressful. I sometimes wonder if I want to quit.


However, next year, it seems there will be a lot of people in my year on staff, some of them people I actually know. So maybe it'll be a bit better next year? 










Also, we're doing a secret santa thing for the staff, and I think it counts for part of the final. We're doing it three times. Whoopee. (No, I mean it, really. Though I am worried about what the person who got me will get.... What if he/she gets me a volume of *gag* NARUTO?? Or a frilly shoujo manga??? I think the shoujo manga would be marginally better? Marginally. So, so very marginally) and we also had to fill in these sheets with our likes and favorites. Nothing really stood out on my person's paper, but she listed a favorite author, a favorite TV show and a favorite recording artist. Since Journalism-sensei said we'd probably spend 20-30 dollars on the whole thing, I went with the favorite author and got her a book by him.


Is that really lame? I bet that sounds really lame. But CDs are expensive and DVDs are EXPENSIVE, too. 


But it still sounds really lame.
I just pulled a random book off the shelf at Barnes and Noble, and I hope to God, the Buddha, almighty Zeus and Jupiter, and the Yaoi God FuwaFuwa-sama that she hasn't read it before. 


But it still sounds really lame, right?
Maybe if I were to do a painting for the person? It'd only take a few hours...
Maybe for the next person? 
*sigh*






It always surprises me how much I can write about nothing at all of importance.


Please excuse me while I go and check of my classmate has *finally* scanned and emailed a study guide for English and, afterwards, try to write about how technology can be used to "revamp" educational teaching methods.


Oh, poo.
To think there was a time when I thought high school would be awesome.
Ah, I would that I could go back to those days!!




(Also, it seems I remembered what I figured I'd never remember, so I guess it means my fortune-telling SUCKS and that it'd never work as a career for me. *sigh*)

Today is Turkey Day

Today is Thanksgiving. 
I didn't even realize until I got a text from a friend soon after I woke up. It said "Happy THanksgiving"


Wait.... what?
Oh!!


So, yeah, Happy Thanksgiving, etc, etc, and all that.
We probably won't be doing anything for it, and I really have nothing to say about it.
But, my blog has been very silent for quite a while now, so here is a short little post wishing you a happy Thanksgiving and promising to come back soon with a longer, better post, but we all know it ain't gonna happen.


:)

I have been unfaithful OR Well, this isn't as scary as I thought

I have been unfaithful.
Plus I haven't posted in like, forever, and I promised to stop deleting posts, but then I decided, "screw this" and so a bunch of posts went half-written and never to see the light of my awful, awful blog.


Anyway.


It is November.
Meaning it's time for National Novel Writing Month.
And I have written....
0 words. 0. None. Nada. 
And I don't even care. It makes me so sad, but I just haven't felt like just writing... 
-.-''


*sigh*


And the little cartoony image in my head for this is of a person leaning against that geyser in Yellowstone (and, cuz this is in my head, that person is somehow able to lean on a geyser)
And the person says, "Y'know, maybe after a while, it goes from Old Faithful to just... Old."


And the geyser shoots steam in disapproval.


___________________


Today
I went to the eye doctor. Well, that implies that's there's only one in the world, so I went to AN eye doctor. The places I usually go to didn't accept appointments after school hours or something so we went to this little place called Envision Eye Care, which I never knew even existed until this day, which is just right of the Randall's that's near my apartment. 


And, my sight has gotten a bit worse, of course. I need to make sure I don't spend too much time on the computer.


And when I was reading the letters/numbers off the little thing, the doc asked, "Hey, are you Canadian?" Cuz I said "zed" instead of "zee" without thinking. It was quite surprising. Any time I say that, people are like "huh?" "zed." "huh???" "ZED!" "????" "Zee." "Oh. Then why didn't you say so?"
          A couple years ago, my GT Research class took part in the Stock Market game and our username had two Z's in it, and when I was telling one of my partners what it was, I said, "Zed, zed.. (numbers here)" 
And she typed out "zed" instead of just Z. 
*sigh*


And I digress.
Anyway, I also tried out contact lenses... and it was very scary. O.O Intentionally putting a foreign object in your eye... >< Aaaand I have really, really small eyes. (No, duh.) But because my eyes are so small. I had trouble putting them in. And I kept forgetting how thin they are so I was afraid to pinch them when I was taking them out cuz I was afraid they'd break. ><


Buuut, I'm wearing them now! And it's so liberating. I can see. Without my glasses! Crazy, right? And I need to check back with them in a week to see how I've adjusted to them. But these contacts are big, and expensive... but they're surprisingly comfortable. I can't even feel them. This has been very enlightening for me. 




))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))




At school, I've started hanging around people I dubbed the Scary People a lot this year.
They were very scary last year, cuz they're so loud and insane and so loudly dressed........ But it turns out quite a few of them... ARE FUJOSHI! 


And just so I can pull one of them (the Japanese Club's fuku-banchou (or, vice gang leader)) deeper into yaoi-ness, I've started called yaoi enlightenment. Aah, it'd be awesome if I could found a religion based on yaoi~


And that's what I call it now. 
So whenever I say anything about Enlightenment, I'm likely talking about yaoi.


And it turns out I really haven't gone very deep into yaoi, because I've yet to find one where the seme is shorter than the uke. But I have friends who found some like that. But wouldn't that be very awkward?


And to get that taste of yaoi out of my darling readers' mouths, I shall end with something very sarcastic.








My Algebra teacher likes to say a calculator should be a tool, not a crutch.
And of course.
A calculator's a bit too small to use as a crutch, n'est-ce pas? 


Yeah, I know that was lame, but it made you forget about yaoi, right?
You know, until I brought it up again. :D

I have another follower

Gah, for some reason, whenever I want to write "another" I keep writing "a nother" not even "an other."

Nother isn't even a word. 
Or maybe it is.
Well, not a word, but a name.
Hm.


Anyway, the thingy on my dashboard said "13 followers" but when I clicked on it, it said 12. Either wait, I have a new follower
So.


Welcome to my blog, Nurul Adilla Mohd Roslan.
I kind of have to wonder, what kind of insane, unstable cynic are you??
But then I realize, what the hey, another follower.
So welcome. :)
And please don't be scared off by my horrid writing.




______


At first I forgot what else I wanted to write about, but I just remembered.
Caramel Apples.


Yesterday, I ate my first caramel apple ever. In my life.
When I was a kid, I'd always wanted to try one, but then my mother would rant about how it'll spoil my teeth, sugar is bad for you, you'll get fat, you won't do well if you sit around stuffing your face all day, you have enough things as it is, why need a caramel apple, if you keep talking like this you'll be a failure at life, etc, etc-- *breath*-- and so I just dropped it and after a while, even when I got my own money, and when I saw one, it was just kinda... hmmm a caramel apple. Looks nice.


Kinda like when you're looking at jewelry and you see something really nice and really expensive and you think, Oh, how pretty, but you don't even feel sad that you can't buy it cuz you know it's part of a different world, a world in which you don't belong.


But yesterday, Newspaper-sensei was kind enough to make some and I ate one and it was wonderful~


And yeah, saying "wonderful" probably isn't like me, but it was really nice.

I just remembered the third thing I was going to write about on my last post.

Sooo....


*silence*


Heh, you have a "silence" button on there, too?


Er... not really... I just didn't press anything.


Then why was there that "*silence*" thing up there?


Probably to show that there was a pause.


If you want, I could do crickets!


*cricket* *cricket*


Oi, I didn't even tell a joke!


Anyway.
It seems.
That.
They.
Have. 
Given.
A--


Oh, just tell us already!!


I'm not even telling you guys. You guys are in my head. You should already know.


I think she was just voicing what your readers must be thinking


Whatever.


Anyway.
Did you know they put up an age restriction on trick-or-treating? 
Some states said 20, others said 12.
Guess what Texas said!
12.
So my friends are quite bummed out. 
Poor things.
of course, I haven't done any trick-or-treating since 5th grade, so this does not affect me.
but it's a bit amusing, eh?
Well, some of my friends are short. They can pretend to be 12-year-olds and take candy? 
IDK.


_________________________


You know, it turns out one of my favorite singers, with one of the mildest voice and songs out there (well, not a mild voice, but it has this soft air, get what I mean?) has this one song, and some of the lyrics were a bit disturbing. 


With the help of aheeya.com, I translated the lyrics and I got this:

title-Smiling Angel

artist-Sung Si-Kyung

You make my heart keep pumpin'

I can't stop my self lovin' you

Geez, I think I have a crush on you

Tell me that you love me I cannot stand that you're never mine

You really break my heart

Even when I'm angry, if I just see your smile... the idiot I am

You're too pretty to anyone who sees you, like a tempting apple

I want to bite you, I want to hold you

Getting hit by your arrow of pink light

You're too kind to people, so everyone's deceived 

If you haven't forgotten you're my lover

Quit being so mischievious around me

I get so jealous and I can't think striaght-- I'm so uneasy

Tell me that you love me I cannot stand that you're never mine

You really break my heart

Even when I'm angry, when I see your smiling face... The idiot I am

(Rap)

Ya break my heart feeling blue got no clue 

don't wanna leave ya 

i want to conceive ya come to my complete mind

Come with me and fill my empty heart, just stay with me

I'm looking at you, along with my empty heart, stay with me

I threw out your yellowing picture in my wallet, don't hide it

Even if you become wrinkled, I won't mind. You're like an angel

I want to hide you so no one can see you

Can't you be a doll just for me?

I worked so hard so you'd come to me. I don't wat to forget you

I feel so uneasy

Tell me that you love me I cannot stand that you're never mine

You really break my heart

Even when I'm angry, when I see your smiling face... The idiot I am

Tell me that you love me I cannot stand that you're never mine

You really break my heart

Even when I'm angry, when I see your smiling face... The idiot I am

Tell me that you love me I cannot stand that you're never mine

You really break my heart

Even when I'm angry, when I see your smiling face... The idiot I am

Now, please direct your attention to the first and second lines of the third verse.

"You're like a tempting apple. I want to bite you."

Isn't that just a little bit... o.o

ANd then the last line of the third-to-last verse.

Can't you be a doll just for me, it says.

Doesn't that sound just a little bit... scary? Not scary, per se, but... you know...

I mean, I'm sure it's better than the first opening to Higurashi, or Alice Human Sacrifice

But still. It kinda makes me think of this one song by the vocaloid Kaito, Sweets Devil, I think. The apple part at least. I'd link to it, but I think I've linked you to enough disturbing songs as is.

Still, I still love this song. I just won't be able to hear that line without laughing for a while. :D

CCCCCCCCCCCC>

^Ice cream. Well, today was a bit cold for ice cream.

I really want ice cream right now, but I'm too scared to go out into the living room. Cuz I need to cut through there to get to the kitchen. Cuz my mother's mad at me. I mean, she's been mad at me before, and she's made it clear that even if she's mad at me, if I'm hungry, she's okay with me coming out from my rock and getting something to eat. 

But it's still scary.

I was so hungry a while ago and I went out to the living room (she already gave me diner, but I wanted more afterwards, but I was too scared to ask for more ;A;) but then I saw my parents on the couch, my father watching TV, and my mother on the computer. I kinda stood by my door for almost a minute, clenched my fists and tried to take a step forward.

As I lifted my foot, my dad turned his head to look at me. I was like "OH SHIT!" and nearly cried in fear and ran back into my room to hide under my rock until I could stop shivering. Not that my dad would do anything to me, but it was scary~~~~~~~~~

AND I WANT ICE CREAM!!!! 

TT.TT

Aah, what do I dooooooooooooooooooooooooooo???????????????????

CCCCCCC>

CCCCCCC>

CCCCCCC>

CCCCCCC>

CCCCCCC>

CCCCCCC>

CCCCCCC>

So much ice cream... BUT I STILL CAN'T GET ANY! 

D:>

*cries*

Nietzsche, Snobbishness and something else I'll hopefully remember later

I recently learned that the annoying phrase "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger" was Frederich Nietzsche. I personally hate that quote.


Instead of "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger," shouldn't it be "What doesn't kill me makes it easier for the next person"? 


*laugh*
____________________






I also recently learned of why my old English class thought I moved classes.
They just went and randomly changed my schedule. I didn't want that. Truth be told, I don't like my new English class.


However, my friend in my old English class (as in the only one there) told me that when she was talking to another classmate, and when the conversation turned to me somehow, it was like "Oh, that Asian who moved cuz she's too smart for us, huh?"
   My friend was like, "Noo... She moved because they messed up her schedule."
   "Hm." (probably doesn't believe her)


What I don't get is why that person thought that. I never acted cocky or overbearing at all last year. (My old class had most of the people from last year). I was just quiet and barely talked. And I guess they thought that, Oh, since she's smart, she must be an arrogant bitch, too.


but I don't get how someone would just think that about someone. I wasn't even that "smart" in that class? Was it because I'm Asian?


Still, it really bothered me. A lot. Boo.


And there was something else I wanted to write about, but I think I don't care anymore. I'll probably remember it in a few hours and finally write about it in a month.

Yudan Sezu ni Ikou

Don't let your guard down.
A favorite line of Tezuka Kunimitsu, captain of Seigaku tennis team in Prince of Tennis.
Literally, it means, "let's go without letting down our guard" but whatever.


And I should have kept this in mind.
But.
But progress reports cam out.
And my mother asked to see it.
And I know it's only a progress report, but I got an 85, a 77 and a 75.
And the rest were all 50s.
Nah, the rest were all 90s. That was just a pitiful attempt at a joke to try to alleviate this situation and maybe bring some humor to it.
But there is no humor.


Cuz if I have a C in a class, and we only have a week left to get in grades for the report card, what are my chances of getting those awful, awful C's to A's?
And if I have a big project worth 20% of my final grade, and I get an A on that, what are my chances?
Slim?
Thought so.
None at all?
Meh, I suspected. (She said, fighting back tears)


And my mother told me last 6 weeks that if I didn't get those Bs to As, she'd just give up on me and we'd move to Katy. And the schools are better there, but only because there are so many Asians. So it'd be really competitive. And I'd probably do very badly. But, my brother would probably do well, and we'd get to live in a house, and there'd be more space, and we wouldn't be in a crowded city, etc, etc. We'd all be happy. Meaning I have to give up my chances to make room for them? Probably.


And after seeing my heinous sin of a progress report, my parents discussed it openly in front of my brother, and loudly enough for me to hear through my closed door. This worries me.


One or two small slip-ups, a misreading of instructions, neglect of reading a chapter, and suddenly, BAM, you have Cs! Can't God just be nice to me? He stuck me with great parents and a great brother, but that's all he's ever done for me. I haven't been very lucky lately. Nothing's been working out for me. Can't I be forgiven for a couple (thousand slipups?)


Sure, my tone may be a bit ironic, but I assure you, this situation is not very ironic or humorous at all for me. 


I suppose I could do the "I'm just a kid" or "I'm only human" speech and shriek about how, Oh, can't you forgive me for screwing up once or twice (this week)? Or, Damn, it's only grades. I don't need no edumacation. I can do good all bah mahself. Or, Oh, poo, life sucks. This is all so totally insane and pointless. This is so depressing. Heck, this is so depressing, I'll go wear black lipstick and eyeliner and go write poetry about abysses and chasms and other big, deep holes! 


But you've probably heard that so many times already. So I won't waste my breath. (Breath?) Yeah. Breath. I don't care if that doesn't fit this situation. I really, really don't care. You get the point, anyway, cuz, unlike me, you're not idiots.


Also, because I've been brooding so much, I kinda started wanting to write a psychological-type story about a person who goes and kills a bunch of people because... well... who knows why? But then I start to scare myself again and I just leave that alone.


But this really is very depressing.
I always say I should have a low self-esteem but I have a high one, but I probably do have a low self-esteem, but I won't even let myself admit it even when I'm completely isolated.


Oh, poo. This is so depressing, I think I'll start wearing black lipstick and write poems about abysses, chasms and other big, deep holes!

Photographers and Speech Patterns

There was something else I was planning on talking about, but I forgot what it was, so it probably wasn't important.


That's the argument my dad would always make when we wanted to tell him something and forgot it.


But that's bull.


Well, since it was for this blog, no, it wasn't so significant, but it still bothers me.


Anyway, TWO POSTS in TWO CONSECUTIVE DAYS!! Don't get used to it. Srsly.


Yesterday, a photographer from yearbook came to worknights (I forgot about it yesterday, k?) and took photos for, of course, yearbook.


And I was one of 2 sophomores on the staff, so she went and took pictures of me.
I hated it. I hate having my photo taken.


When she was taking photos of the other staff members, she'd be standing on the oh-so-stable computer desks, leaning over the new macs, lying on the floor, doing a bunch of stuff to get a good shot.
Someone should take photos of her.
__________________________________________


I've started to be a lot nicer to people. I haven't been as biting or mean to them lately. It's weird.


And my voice has gotten deeper, and I'm talking a lot more slowly. I must be going crazy.


and then I ran out of what I planned on writing, which actually seemed like a lot in my head. hm.












On another completely unrelated note, I'm reading a book called the Invisible Gorilla.

Euphemisms, Epiphanies and Normal is weirder than I thought it'd be

I know I haven't posted in forever.
I'm sorry.
I hope you haven't forgotten about me.


A while ago, in Bio, we were talking about, of course, living things and what they need to stay living. We were originally talking about plants, and it went to what plants need in order to photosynthesize. She compared it to humans needing air.
Sensei: Cuz without air, we'd... (pause)
Students: Die.
Sensei: Yeah, without air, we'd, um... stop breathing. 


My point is, even though that class is filled with freshmen (actually, I was one last year, but who cares?), we're in high school. We don't need any euphemisms for "die." When something dies, it dies. It becomes dead. And it stays dead. 


I don't get why movies and TV shows do that, either. Why is this world obsessed with makings sound nicer than they are?


_______________________


I think the strongest epiphany I've ever had was in fourth grade.
I realized that people don't want to listen to what I have to say.
I know that sounds obvious, but so few people even my age seem to understand that. They get that the person their problems concern won't care, but they'll go complain to everyone else. It was an extremely strong epiphany for me. It was so shocking, and I could hardly breathe from how shocked I was.


But now, even though I understand that, I still mouth off and complain to anyone, whether they'll listen or not. 


It's what Camus would call absurd.


But it was a very strong epiphany and it had a lasting effect on me.


And I know I sound ridiculous for saying this.
Please ignore me now.
Nah, just kidding. Don't ignore me. I'll cry. O.O


___________________________________


I think the philsbury (?) dough boy looks scary. I mean, imagine seeing that thing in the dark, standing over you as you wake up. Scary.


Just randomly saying. I just saw a commercial for Philsbury crescents. Sorry.


/////////////////////////////////////    /////////////////////////////////   /////////////////


Yesterday, during homeroom, we got all these papers for safe electronics and internet use. 
And blogging was under it.


And my homeroom teacher said, "Does anyone write a blog in here?"


And I didn't bother saying anything, cuz it's homeroom. Who cares.


And then he was like, "yeah, blogs are for losers."


And that really hurt.


And I just started a bunch of sentences with "and."


________     __ __ ________            __________ _  __ _






Today we had another work night for the magazine. 


And I always thought the people on staff were pretty normal.
They all act and look pretty normal, too. But it turns out facebook-stalking guys and obsessing over how sexy he is and just screaming at his picture is pretty normal. They were bonding over how much they loved this one guy. And I thought that was pretty weird.


But most of the girls on staff were all talking about it, so I guess it's actually pretty normal.
Normal is a lof crazier than I thought. 
o_o

Withdrawal

I've been feeling very crappy the past few days. 
The world seems to be so much more irritating now. And I was hoping that wouldn't be possible. But it is, and the world seems to be a bigger bitch than usual.
I wonder if this is withdrawal. It's only been a few days, but I'm already feeling like crap. I hate being bored. The only books I have are really, really thick classics and, while I do want to read them, I feel too crappy to put in the effort to read those things even though I want to stave off the boredom. 


It's awful. 


I didn't think this would be this difficult.
I'm starting to wonder if I really was addicted to manga and anime... I mean, it's really the only thing I ever did.


And my mother even told me not to watch anime. 
And if I watch it, I know she's gonna catch me. And she might throw out the manga and anime I have. I always turn to some kind of comic anime and I always burst out laughing at something, so she's gonna know sooner or later, and then *BAM!* hundreds of, maybe even a thousand dollars of manga and anime GONE. I am not letting that happen.


But they went and finally made anime for a bunch of manga I like, so... well... beautiful timing, mother. You should get an award. 


And I feel like my brother always gets especially idiotic whenever I'm pissed, but maybe I just get too sensitive and it bothers me more. It takes a lot of mental capacity and effort to not scream at him.


And over pretty little things.
But it's still really, really annoying. No one ever apologizes. He keeps boasting about how much more polite he is than his peers. Wow. His middle school must have gotten a lot worse from when I was in there. Seriously. I'm sure even teenagers from Houston would apologize when they see they made someone angry.


Is there some kind of unwritten law that says one may be impolite to family? That one should be nicer to strangers? I mean, well, I guess I am meaner to people I'm close to, but I'm still polite. 


I shouldn't even be ranting about this. 
But it's really bothering me.
And the computer gods seem to be hating me more than usual, or am I just seeing it more?


_______________


On Friday, I was talking to friend S in PE, and I was probably talking about something cynical and said that humans probably lasted this long cuz we're so good at killing stuff. And I think she took it as in we're being too mean to animals and said, "Yeah! We should all go vegetarian!"


Me: (jokingly, though it's true) What? But plants are living, too.
S: Yeah, but plants aren't as alive as animals.
Me: Not as alive? What are you talking about? They're still living things.
S: But they're not as alive. They can't move or anything.


But plants reproduce, grow and develop, react to their surroundings, and all the stuff my biology teacher said all living things do. 


If there's something "not as alive" as animals, it'd be viruses, right? Cuz they can't reproduce or develop by themselves. 


Plants are still "as alive" as animals are, right?
Or am I just going crazy as a result of no anime and need to get myself professional help as soon as possible?


I didn't mention it to make S seem like an idiot. It just surprised me.






Also, that same Friday, S invited me to a party.
This is significant.


No one has invited me to a party for years.
The last one I went to was in 1st grade, and it was my own birthday party.


Wait, no, that's a lie. There's been one other since I moved here. You know, since going to parties started being mandatory to teenager-hood and not just a fun thing. One other. The sweet 16 of a Vietnamese friend. I didn't even think I was that close to her.


And I thought that was very touching. Every other time, people just don't think of inviting me, forget about me, or in some other way I stop existing when they invite people. 


And sometimes they tell me it's cuz they don't think I'd want to go.
And I probably wouldn't. 
Teenage parties are scary.
Not that I'd know.
But I've heard many scary things about them. 


But if they're trying to be so "considerate," I wish they wouldn't go,


"OH MY GOD, DUDE!! You didn't go?!"


Um... no... no one invited me...


"But EVERYONE in the F****ING school AND another school went!"


Sorry for not existing. :|


It's the same thing with everyone knowing each other. Except me. It'll be, 


Friend: What? You don't know *name*?
Me: No... no one introduced me to him/her.... (I've never seen or heard of this person in my life.... I think I'm going crazy again...) 
Friend: But everyone knows *name*!
Me:Oh... uh... sorry for not existing.
Friend: I thought someone introduced him/her to you. Oh well. *keeps talking with no idea how much she'd (it's always a girl who does this to me. WHY???) just insulted me and has no idea why I'm so pissed later*


Anyway, I thought that was very nice of her, and she was probably a bit scared at how happy I was, but my parents were still mad at me for the grades and my dad would probably be too scared for my life and wouldn't let me go anyway. Though, it seems only 4 people went anyway... All people I know... but still...


And so I couldn't go.


For some reason, I can't get used to always being left out.
Maybe it's because they're always rubbing it in my face. They do it so much, I wonder if it's intentional. And then I just laugh about how I'll end up a hermit and go throw darts at their pictures later. Why are people always so insensitive? I guess I can be a bit insensitive at times, too... but that kind of thing, on my part, is intentional. It's how I'm always teasing them. Though no one seems to understand that, either...


I really feel the biggest social failure here is me. ):


I can never get used to how often I feel like I'm going crazy.


________________


I probably had something more intelligent to say--


Yeah, that's always the excuse, isn't it?


Aw, man, it's back.


It?


Well... you really are just words on a screen...


YOU are the one who gave us genders! Don't turn around and call us "it's"!!


But she only called you an it. That "it" was singular. :)


You wanna shut up?


Erm... no, not really. Why? :)


Damn, why the hell is he so happy today?


I don't know. Insensitive brat.


What? How am I being insensitive??


Well... it is male. You can't expect one to understand.


Wha? Bu... what does that have to do with it?? YOU'RE the one who made me male! Don't blame me for it!!


I'm not blaming you. I mean, it's not your fault you're insensitive and have the emotional capacity of a paper cut.


That makes no sense!!


Aw, he doesn't get it.


Typical.


Wai... wait, are they ganging up on me??? DON'T TAKE OUT YOUR FRUSTRATIONS ON ME!!!


Oh, wow! I think he just got a sliver of intelligence for a second!!


Amazing. Today's... 10/10/10. Wow, something amazing did happen today!!


What? You guys are so mean to me! I'm LEAVING!!


Aw, I think he got mad.


*DOOR SLAMS*


Aw... he left....


... *snort*
That was fun.


Yes, it was. We should do it again sometime.


Emotional capacity of a paper cut? Genius. He never got it.


Ah, he's not smart enough to tell when something doesn't mean anything.


He'll get over it eventually.


Yes, he will. I hope. Well, if he doesn't... we'll apologize?


... I'm sure he'll get over it! (No way I'm apologizing to the likes of him!)


But we were a bit mean...


...


I'm sure he'll get over it!


Yeah! We're all friends here! We know when we're joking!!


...


I feel like eating ice cream.
*goes to get some from the freezer*