Don't let your guard down.
A favorite line of Tezuka Kunimitsu, captain of Seigaku tennis team in Prince of Tennis.
Literally, it means, "let's go without letting down our guard" but whatever.
And I should have kept this in mind.
But.
But progress reports cam out.
And my mother asked to see it.
And I know it's only a progress report, but I got an 85, a 77 and a 75.
And the rest were all 50s.
Nah, the rest were all 90s. That was just a pitiful attempt at a joke to try to alleviate this situation and maybe bring some humor to it.
But there is no humor.
Cuz if I have a C in a class, and we only have a week left to get in grades for the report card, what are my chances of getting those awful, awful C's to A's?
And if I have a big project worth 20% of my final grade, and I get an A on that, what are my chances?
Slim?
Thought so.
None at all?
Meh, I suspected. (She said, fighting back tears)
And my mother told me last 6 weeks that if I didn't get those Bs to As, she'd just give up on me and we'd move to Katy. And the schools are better there, but only because there are so many Asians. So it'd be really competitive. And I'd probably do very badly. But, my brother would probably do well, and we'd get to live in a house, and there'd be more space, and we wouldn't be in a crowded city, etc, etc. We'd all be happy. Meaning I have to give up my chances to make room for them? Probably.
And after seeing my heinous sin of a progress report, my parents discussed it openly in front of my brother, and loudly enough for me to hear through my closed door. This worries me.
One or two small slip-ups, a misreading of instructions, neglect of reading a chapter, and suddenly, BAM, you have Cs! Can't God just be nice to me? He stuck me with great parents and a great brother, but that's all he's ever done for me. I haven't been very lucky lately. Nothing's been working out for me. Can't I be forgiven for a couple (thousand slipups?)
Sure, my tone may be a bit ironic, but I assure you, this situation is not very ironic or humorous at all for me.
I suppose I could do the "I'm just a kid" or "I'm only human" speech and shriek about how, Oh, can't you forgive me for screwing up once or twice (this week)? Or, Damn, it's only grades. I don't need no edumacation. I can do good all bah mahself. Or, Oh, poo, life sucks. This is all so totally insane and pointless. This is so depressing. Heck, this is so depressing, I'll go wear black lipstick and eyeliner and go write poetry about abysses and chasms and other big, deep holes!
But you've probably heard that so many times already. So I won't waste my breath. (Breath?) Yeah. Breath. I don't care if that doesn't fit this situation. I really, really don't care. You get the point, anyway, cuz, unlike me, you're not idiots.
Also, because I've been brooding so much, I kinda started wanting to write a psychological-type story about a person who goes and kills a bunch of people because... well... who knows why? But then I start to scare myself again and I just leave that alone.
But this really is very depressing.
I always say I should have a low self-esteem but I have a high one, but I probably do have a low self-esteem, but I won't even let myself admit it even when I'm completely isolated.
Oh, poo. This is so depressing, I think I'll start wearing black lipstick and write poems about abysses, chasms and other big, deep holes!
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