(Again) Ok, I know I promised tigers, crayons and zombies....

However, (and, it's really waaaay too late to blog, but whatever. I feel like it.) I just don't seem to be able to find any inspiration for the topic, or anything, really. I really will have a tiger/crayon/zombie epic, I just don't know when it will be.


So, since I've left this thing in a tense, quiet state of expectance, I'll let your hopes shrink slowly while making a comically pitiful noise like a deflating balloon and talk about something entirely different instead.


(Also, Welcome, new reader. I'm still confounded (is that even the proper usage of that word?) that you'd want to follow this blog instead of, say, hanging me for my terrible rants where I certainly do insult everyone and anyone, even if I don't mean it, or just cursing my name and abandoning me altogether -.-')


Anyway. Two things today.


First off, that writer's block from last time was followed by a very manic and ridiculous period of creativity (somewhat... kind of... not in a productive way, in any case...), but it turned out that that stupid, stupid block just went for a bathroom break. And it's back. Horrible, horrible.


But I wonder if it's not the bursts of creativity that are more common, but the block. I'm fairly sure you've seen more rants about being completely uninspired than stuff about, OH-EHM-GEE I JUST THOUGHT OF THE AWESOMEST THING TODAY and anything else combined. I just remember the times when the block took a bathroom break more vividly because it's so rare and so oddly not unpleasant. 


But even from years and years ago, I've always struggled with that sort of thing. And I haven't drawn anything.... well in a long time. I mean something, no matter how *ugh* it is, I just really, really like it because I feel like I put a lot of heart into it and I carry it with my, buried beneath the mountains of stuff I carry with me everyday. The last time that happened was sometime last year, when Painter decided to work for a couple lovely, short weeks and then promptly died again. I was just figuring out how to use all the tools and the layers, and I'm really proud of that drawing. But I haven't drawn anything I'm really proud of lately. And my skill with markers has deteriorated. It's the most laughable thing. 


Whenever I see someone else drawing or writing with vigor, I get this icky feeling and I feel like crap. And the manic, stress-induced, after-break depression isn't helping any, either. I mean, I've always had major self-esteem issues, but you'd think by now I'd be used to my own futility....








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I had a small epiphany recently. This isn't actually one of the two things I wanted to write about, so, let's pretend I'd written "Two things... plus one! :D"


Anyway, in fourth grade, my biggest epiphany ever was the realization that the world didn't really give a damn about what I say. It was the most shocking revelation ever, and my refusal to act as if the world actually did give a damn and cared about social propriety is probably in some way caused by that.


But, recently, I realized that when people actually do bother listening to me, they hardly ever understand what I say. It's led to weird conversations and many a hopeless conversation. It wasn't that I thought of something really, really awesome and thoughtful, it was just the realization that I'm not the only person without empathy or real sense in itself that really threw me.


You know, I was actually trying to go somewhere with that, but it kind of sputtered out like a candle. Like on a cake... and I am so hungry right now, after working on a project for quite a few hours. Ugh, What am I even doing here...?


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Okay, let's change that "Two Things... plus one!" Into "Two things... plus three!" or... four... or... well... you get what I mean, but in any case, I'm gonna be talking about more than 2 things.


Ahem.


I recently decided to give up actively being an otaku and go to doll making. I've made one and it wasn't awful, but the clothes really sucked. And the one I've been working on the past couple days got dirty so I need to start over on that one...


Anyway, I guess it means I've matured a little bit and I'll be giving up Japanese cartoons. Cuz that's what they are. Anime=animation=cartoons. I'll admit it. 


But I'll still draw it (as lack of formal classes has cursed both my hands to only draw anime crap...) and I will still always be a fujoshi at heart.


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Some days ago, my dad came up to me with a book on... physics. And it mentioned... Plato? saying that man is a two-legged creature with no feathers, or something to that effect. So someone went up to him with a plucked chicken and said, I've brought you a man, or something like that, and went on to add "broad nails" to what man has.


So, my dad, being all philosophical and shiz, despite being all sciency and stuff, asked me if I could define a man. I mulled it over for a few days, and I thought of several hackneyed, overly cynical things. And I realized, I can't define man in a way that's not cynical.


Later, I also realized that any one of those cynicisms could be turned so easily into naivete. Example:


Cynical: Man is the only creature foolish enough to forgive.
Naive: Man is the only creature kind enough to forgive.


(I''m only using "naive" because "cynical" has such an awful connotation, I'm balancing it out with using a harsher word for "kind")


And I wondered, how do I make it neutral?
Easy, Man is the only creature that forgives.


And then, I realized this probably made me insane and went on with my life...
Only to realize later the whole point was to try to define a man physically, as a species. No one gives a darn what goes on in his head! 
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Well, it's really late (early....) and I don't feel like cranking out a 800-word essay on whatever else it was I was going to talk about, so I guess I'll take my awkward leave as I always do.........




Also, if you'll have noticed, I made a few more changes to my blog, because I am that finicky and stupid. 

I know a promised a story this time, but....

After day after day of unsolicited story ideas, random plot points and characters appearing as often as wild pokemon when you're running through tall grass and actually have somewhere to go, you find some time to yourself, settle down, take up a pen, and try to write.


Weeks of brilliant ideas you don't want to use, and finally, finally when you want to think of something, when you're not preoccupied by a stupid essay or when you're not lacking pen and paper...




IT STRIKES.

Yess, yesss, feeeel the laaaaammeee!!!

Aah, dreaded writer's block.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have homework to do and hours of procrastination to DARN TO AN ETERNITY IN THE DEEPEST, DARKEST DEPTHS OF HECKKK!!!!!