In which I rant about things of no consequence, so go ahead and skip this, eh?

I'm not exactly sure when was the last time I posted, but I felt a bit nostalgic and perhaps a bit melancholy (melanstalgic? Okay, okay, okay. But I remembered a friend from elementary school would always be sticking two words together. Like scangry, scary and angry :) ) so I decided, hey, I may as well post.


Oh, and I'm scanning my webcomic! Woohoo, you get to FINALLY see that abysmal mindlessness and laugh and jeer at it cruely like a whole... eighth? of the population of my middle school did when I was the cartoonist there!
I actually have idea how many people actually actually knew we had a newspaper, and out of that, I don't know how many actually read it...


I kind of miss my friends from elementary school, now.
That's a lie.
No, not really. I do miss them, but it's more... I'm curious as to how much they've changed. I know that I've changed quite a bit, but I also know a lot of fundamental things about me have not changed, and I think I'm still the same as I was in elementary school in the most basic ways. 


And I want to know how much they've changed. I bet they all got a lot taller, and I bet they aged quite a bit. I mean, it's been years. Would I still recognize them? Would they recognize me? The guys' voices will have all gotten deeper, too. I bet that would really throw me off guard. When it's a gradual change, and you've been there the whole time, you don't notice it. But I haven't met them for years and years. I wonder how deep their voices got. Did that one guy get better at drawing and writing? Does he still hate me for being so critical? I guess they still remember all my grammar lectures... *sigh*


It's not so much that I miss them, but I want to know how much they've changed. I mean, if I were to chat with them on facebook or something, it'd probably be like "yeah, I guess I changed a bit, idk." But I kind of want to see for myself. I don't know... I don't feel an urge to go back and live my life how it was anymore. I just want to gauge how much of a distance has grown. I mean, one of them went and friended me, and I didn't even approach him first. 


I guess I sound like an old man. (old woman?) 
But it's been bothering me a bit lately. Actually, just today. I don't really have the mental presence (haven't for a while, now) to remember what bothered me (besides homework) the past few weeks. 
And I see them "liking" the same things as a lot of my friends from hear. Even when i first moved here, I thought "wow, maybe they're not so different after all"


and then I get all not cynical and vaguely think that we're all human here, and we're all people. Blah blah blah, even though we're from different countries, we're still the same. We're all idiots. So I should stop beating myself up for every little thing. And then I get sidetracked and forget about what I was thinking about, and that thought gets lost. 


I don't know, I felt all sentimental. 
It's weird. It's not that I want to go back. I just want to know. I hate not knowing and everything being vague.


I suppose it's time to put it all behind me, and I really have.
I just want to know how much they've changed. 
Time is the quality of life that keeps everything from happening all at once. Lately, it doesn't seem to be working. 


I don't remember who said that.


My dad said we feel "time" because of change. A change in position, a change in color or stability. Things are a certain way. They change. They are different now. We feel time because we know there was a point, an instance when things were not like this. And we also know that there were actions directly related to each other that caused something to change. I know my dad meant it in the most scientific way possible, but I think that's a just a bit sad.
Just a little.


I never particularly liked growing up. I had my first huge gasp-inducing revelation in fourth grade, I think. The first real serious one. The one where I realized no one wanted to listen to what I had to say.


It sounds very obvious, but when you were in fourth grade and you had the whole world (meaning your house and all the streets from it to school and the mall and grocery) in front of you and just waiting to be defined quite definitely by your childish, ineloquent, ignorant words, you feel like everything you have to say is absolute. Your words are correct. Either way, to you at least, they are new. And thus, they are interesting. To you. And you assume everyone else is interested in your words. This isn't just in elementary school, either. It's an everyday thing no one seems to be able to outgrow. 


So when I realized that no one really cared. It's not even that they don't care. They actively wish to NOT hear my words. They're not just at a neutral irritation. They are completely biased against everything you want to say. They actively want you to shut up because they do not want to hear what you have to say.


I found this very amazing.
I'd always wondered why people always seemed so... agitated when I started talking and talking. I think a lot of people just ignored it and kept talking. I did, too. But I still noticed it. And you have to notice something to ignore it. Just not noticing it is just not noticing it. I didn't even want to know why it was like that. But then I figured it out. People don't appreciate you barging into their cleanly-defined territory and staining their clean, biased walls with your opinion. 


I think after that, I still didn't get much quieter. I think I started blurting my opinion out less, but I still was to straightforward. It took a few years for that to sink in, and then I started... not talking, and only being honest in extremes and only to certain people. I wonder why I do that... It might be that I think if you don't clearly define what you're saying, and you leave all this room for interpretation and doubt, you'll be misunderstood. It's inevitable. So I say things in extremes so that if someone tries to get some leeway to make it "nicer," that euphemism of what I said will be closer to what I meant than to what I said.


But it doesn't work that way. When I say something to even the slightest extreme, they take it exactly as I say it and get offended. But it's how I am.
I'm sure I'll grow out of it some day.












________________________


I bet none of you actually read this.
If you did, I feel almost proud and at the same time, astounded. What's wrong with you people?????


:D
^ This smiley face is a lie. I just felt like ending on a happy note.
:)