Wasted Effort

Boy, oh, boy, three weeks into January and I'm already failing at improving myself as a human being. I haven't been sleeping at 11, even though I've had the chance to quite a few times, and I keep putting off homework, and I haven't been blogging... 


And I honestly have no excuse for it. I just never really felt like it, or I just had nothing to talk about, or I didn't feel like it... But I do feel sorry for it. I'm very sorry, guys (meaning the... two(?) people who read this). 


Oh, and, uh, it's been brought to my attention that on a recent blog post, when I gave you my tumblr, I went and wrote "twitter" instead of "tumblr." And I don't even have a tumblr... But, evidently from the URL, it is, indeed, a tumblr. And I don't really feel like fixing it, especially since I discovered it quite a while ago, but I just wanted to put that out there. I did something stupid, ahahaha... 


So, uh, anyway, I, somehow, have been put in charge of writing horoscopes for my school's magazine this issue! Yaaay! Not really... It's hard for someone like me to write stuff like, "Oh, hey, your life is wonderful and you are totally not a waste-of-space excuse for a human being! Don't change anything about your life because you are awesome! Oh, and you'll meet a tall, dark stranger at 5pm next Tuesday." But, I did it, somehow, and it's really, I dunno, 300 words of, what was it, brain goo (a term I learned from a friend, and I've just been waiting and waiting to use!) but it seems to be publishable, at least, so away to the presses! 


I was also put in charge of drawing little personifications of the zodiac signs, like little, weirdly-proportioned anime drawings and I put a crapload of effort into all 12 of them. And then I remembered (all too late) that I only had one page to squeeze them all onto, so they're all very tiny and you can't really see any of the crapload of effort I put into anything, and it really made me very sad. Why did I go spend 3 hours on each one? Bah, it's because I love drawing with photoshop, and I needed an excuse to stay up for hours, just mindlessly drawing and muttering to myself. But I regret it now! 


Though, when I think about it, it's really all my fault. I could've just done little sketchy, half-hour doodle things. And I actually kinda chose, somehow, to write the horoscopes. See, at the beginning of the grading cycle, I wasn't assigned a story, and one of the editors felt bad, and I had a choice between writing horoscopes, a story on basketball (I think) or a list of the 5 best places to take a date! Sadly, my knowledge of basketball stops at "the ball is orange" and my knowledge of dating is limited to "um...what?" so I just chose what I'm best at, which is making stuff up. But I had to make stuff up that was optimistic and happy. So, I wrote stuff, slapped on an awful pseudonym, and that is my greatest regret for this month. 


_____________




Y'know, it's only January, and I already can't wait for summer to come. I have the kind of feeling I get when I decide to stay up all night, thinking it'll be easy. But I don't take into account aaall the hours between 11pm and 7am, which is a sh*t-ton of hours to not spend sleeping, and I think to myself, holy crap, there is no way I'll get through this alive. So I give up and go to bed at maybe 1 or 2 in the morning, and roll around fitfully in bed before falling into a relaxing, fitful slumber, and waking up 4 hours later wanting to stab a small animal. 


But June's really a long, long ways away. I wonder if I can survive that long... I have this vague, uncomfortable feeling that I'm slowly being driven mad by somebody, but it might just be that I've always had that feeling, but I'm just more aware of it now, because I am a paranoid little twit. 


Anyway, I'm sorry this blog post was also a bit of a flop (a bit?), but the whole, "Ha I'mma stay up all night-- never mind, holy crap it's three, I should go to sleep now" thing happened. Last night. So I honestly don't know if I'm writing in English right now.




Am I making any sense?


Comprenez-vous?


私の言葉分かりますか？


I don't know how to write that in any other language. And what I have written is more like, "Do you understand?" because I have really forgotten the majority of French and Japanese I should know... 


Aah, I hope this feeling goes away when I'm a grown-up...